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During and after a highly contentious case involving children, achieving a healthy co-parenting relationship can seem like a hopeless undertaking.  Overwhelmed by anger, hurt, and sadness perceived to be caused by the other parent, the thought of respecting and trusting that person ever again seems laughable.  However, respect and trust are the foundations of a successful co-parenting relationship.  In order to move from high conflict to positive co-parenting, parents need to re-establish (or establish) these essential components.

RESPECT: THE FIRST COMPONENT

Any healthy, positive co-parenting relationship begins with respect.  Respect is the first prerequisite of successful co-parenting.  Without respect, nothing else can be built.  Respect is a mutual acknowledgement by both parents of the other’s rights, opinions, and boundaries.  Respect is essential in co-parenting for the following reasons:

1. Increases the Emotional Well-Being of Children. Showing respect for each other creates a safe and stable environment for children. Children obviously benefit from watching their parents interact consistently in a kind and civil way.
2. Provides Positive Role Modeling. Parents are the leading role models for their children. Showing respect for each other sets a positive example for children and teaches them to engage respectfully with other people. This then leads to healthier personal relationships for them in the future.
3. Creates Cooperation. Cooperation is crucial in co-parenting. When parents respect each other, they further the feelings of cooperation, making it easier to work together in mutual decision-making regarding their children.
4. Leads to Productive Conflict Resolution. Respect, and being respectful, during disagreements with the other parent leads to more productive resolutions. Conflict is going to occur, but devolving to disrespect and making cutting comments never leads to a good outcome.

TRUST: THE SECOND COMPONENT

Trust is the connector that allows parents to work together effectively in co-parenting. Trust flows from respect. Without trust, parents will not be able to share information, make joint decisions, or align their parenting.   Trust is essential in co-parenting for the following reasons:

1. Acceptance of Other Parent’s Reliability. Trusting the other parent means that you feel you can rely on the other parent to satisfy their responsibilities and commitments.  Trust leads to believing that the other parent will do what they should and said they would.
2. Decreases Stress. This is a natural progression once a parent believes that the other parent is reliable. With trust, co-parents will spend less time worrying about the other’s intentions and ability to fulfill their obligations.  This would obviously then lead to a more positive co-parenting relationship.
3. Leads to Effective Joint Decision Making. Trust is critical for parents making decisions together. Parents can work together more efficiently for their children’s best interests when they mutually trust each other’s judgment.

RE-ESTABLISHING (OR, ESTABLISHING) RESPECT & TRUST*

In order to re-establish (or, establish) respect and trust, parents can take the following actions:

1. Support the other parent’s relationship with the children with regular contact (in-person and virtually).
2. Have the children ready and on-time for the exchange to the other parent.
3. Not argue or create conflict during the exchanges of the children.
4. Allow the children to take their favorite things to and from each parent’s homes.
5. Follow comparable routines at each parent’s home.
6. Support relationships with other important people in the children’s lives (i.e., grandparents; stepparents; siblings; etc.)
7. Remain flexible with schedules when the children have special events with the other parent or other parent’s family members.
8. Give advance notice to the other parent regarding necessary changes in the time-sharing schedule or when special events occur.
9. Provide recognition to the other parent when they do things better or differently in a positive way in their co-parenting,

Respect and trust are the essential components of positive co-parenting. They create a healthy environment for children to thrive emotionally and make it easier for parents to work together for the benefit of their children.  If, through a high conflict case involving the children, trust and respect have been damaged, these can be repaired.  Ultimately, shifting from a high-conflict relationship to a positive co-parenting one helps everyone involved, especially those that matter the most to both parents—the children.  If you would like to discuss co-parenting issues or any other family law issue, please schedule a consultation today.

*From Martha Kline Pruett, PhD, MSL, ABPP’s presentation “Too Much Conflict, Not Enough Trust and Respect

As a family law attorney and a Guardian ad Litem, I have witnessed parents so firmly entrenched in their anger or hurt with each other that, often, they fail to recognize how their conflict affects the children.  These parents may be absolutely focused on the resentment and unresolved issues surrounding the breakdown of their relationship, that it becomes difficult to see beyond their own perspective.  Consumed by their own emotional upheaval, parents cannot comprehend the significant impact that the research shows their high-conflict co-parenting can have on their children.

FACTS ABOUT CONFLICT

Children are aware of their parents’ conflict. Parents may believe that they are successful in keeping the conflict between them hidden from their children.  However, children are very perceptive to the feelings of tension and unspoken signals of anger.  Research has also shown that while in the womb, children are able to distinguish conflict in tones of voices.

Bottom-line: You are not hiding anything from the kids.

Children do not become acclimated to their parents’ conflict. According to many research findings, children do not one day become “used to” the conflict occurring between their parents.  In fact, when children are subjected to continued conflict between their parents, the children’s negative responses become increasingly intensified.

Bottom-line: Your conflict never becomes “normal” to your children.

Parents’ conflict has consequences on children at every developmental stage. Children between the ages of 2 years-old to teenagers will both externalize and internalize the conflict. Thus, they will direct their behavior outward (i.e., by acting out, being aggressive, etc.).  They will also direct their behavior inward (e., by withdrawing, expressing sadness, etc.).  Children will commonly blame themselves for the conflict that is happening between their parents.  Further, no matter the age of the children, when the conflict between their parents increased, children gauged the possibility of harm also increasing.

Bottom-line: Your conflict is going to affect your children regardless of their age.

What matters is how parents manage conflict – not that conflict simply exists between parents. Children do not suffer negative consequences from the fact that their parents have conflict.  The important part of conflict occurring between parents is how the parents handle the actual conflict. When conflicts involve peaceful and constructive discussions, encouragement, and care, children have higher levels of positive emotions.  In contrast, when conflicts involved threats, hostility (verbal and non-verbal), insults, defensiveness, and withdrawal, children have higher levels of negative emotions.  A very important factor was whether the parents resolved the conflicts. Children are affected positively when parents reach a resolution to their conflicts.  In fact, if there was any movement toward resolving the conflict, children benefited positively.

Bottom-line: Do not be a jerk when arguing with the other parent; instead, reach resolutions through civil, constructive, and caring discussions.   

WAYS CHILDREN ARE AFFECTED BY CONFLICT

Hostile and high-conflict co-parenting:

1. Leads to a multitude of behavioral problems in children, which are internalized and externalized
2. Can result in behavioral, emotional, and social issues
3. Weakens actual parenting
4. Overall, harms children’s well-being

SIGNIFICANT FACTORS REGARDING CONFLICT AFFECTING  CHILDREN’S ADJUSTMENT

FOLLOWING PARENTS’ DIVORCE

1. Type of conflict
2. Amount of child’s exposure to the conflict
3. Whether the child is the focus of the conflict
4. Whether the child witnesses the conflict
5. Whether the conflict is high-conflict

The scenario of warring parents so rooted in their dislike for each other after the breakdown of their relationship is a cliché in family law. This situation is bad enough; however, it becomes even more unfortunate when they fail to recognize that their children have become the collateral damage in their war. These parents may not intend to harm their children; yet, because they are consumed by the emotions involved in the conflict with the other parent, they cannot fully understand what the research has made overwhelmingly clear: High-conflict between parents leads to a negative effect on children’s overall well-being and development.

The above may seem obvious, but learning how conflict and divorce affects children when they discuss it themselves really drives the point home. “Split: The EARLY Years” (2013) shows the effect of divorce on children as told by the children when the divorce was relatively new, and “Split Up: The TEEN Years (2023), follows up with these children 10 years later.  These films should be compulsory viewing for parents locked in the cycle of high-conflict co-parenting.  After watching these heart rendering films, parents would hopefully prioritize their children’s needs and work to foster a healthier environment for their children and each other.  The Artemis Approach keeps the best interests of children at the forefront of any family law matter.  If you would like to discuss how we can assist you in your family law matter, please schedule a consultation today.

*Research summarized and information provided by Marsha Kline Pruett, PhD, MSL, ABPP in her presentation, “Too Much Conflict, Not Enough Trust and Respect”

A previous article, “What Your Family Law Attorney Might Not Tell You(But Should): Part 1,” discussed central truths about family law cases that often go unexpressed by family law attorneys to their clients.  With this “Part 2,” we resume the forthright discussion about the realities in family law cases that your attorney may have left unsaid, but that you should really understand.

1. The Impact of Social Media. In these modern times, social media plays a large role in many people’s lives. Your attorney might mention offhandedly to be cautious on what you post on social media; however, in reality, individuals involved in family law cases, especially contentious ones, should avoid using social media altogether.  Clients should recognize the potential consequences of their activity on social media. Anything you share can be used against you in court.  These posts may negatively impact the outcome of your family law case.  This also applies to posts on the social media accounts of your friends or new girlfriend or boyfriend.  Many people believe they are somehow invisible while on other people’s accounts, but you can be sure, one of the first things the opposing party informed their lawyer of was the name of your new girlfriend or boyfriend. That attorney then found them on social media, took screenshots of all the vacations and shopping trips you took together, ready to use this evidence to eviscerate your claims of impoverishment.

2. Honesty about Everything is Essential. That last sentence above brings us to this: You need to be absolutely honest about everything to your attorney. Further, this honesty needs to start from the very beginning. Honesty is critical during the entire process. Your attorney is not going to judge you; however, they may very much dislike you after they are surprised-attacked by opposing counsel with something they had no knowledge of, and essentially, made them look foolish.  In some cases, the withholding of the truth is so extreme, your attorney may decide that they do not wish to damage their reputation by continuing to work with you and will withdraw from your case.  Another very important consideration is that courts make many decisions based on the credibility of parties while testifying. Being cagey or untruthful in court is a guaranteed way to torpedo your case.

3. There is No Real Privacy. Being honest about everything ties in with this truth: Once you become involved in a family law case (again, especially a contentious one), there is no real privacy.  You must understand that it will become necessary for your life to be an “open book.” So, please do not feel offended if your attorney asks you some very personal questions or asks you to provide a response to what the opposing party has alleged. Different aspects of your personal life are going to be studied because, for instance, it may affect your contact with your children or your finances will be scrutinized because it may affect your alimony claim.  It is best to be open and honest about everything so that you and your attorney can prepare for anything that may come up.

4. Frequently, There is a Difference between What is Legal and What Seems Fair. Some family law attorneys will simply tell their clients what they believe they want to hear. “Of course, you will get X, Y, Z” or, I can guarantee I can get X, Y, Z for you.” However, as much as an attorney can advocate for their client’s best interests, you must also understand that they can only work within the constraints of the law.  Many times, the hard truth of what actually can or does occur in your case given the state of the law, feels completely unfair. The laws may go against your goals or what you feel you deserve in this case. Unfortunately, there is often a difference between what the law can do and what seems fair. You need to appreciate this difference at the outset so that your expectations are tempered.

5. Emotional Toll. Being involved in a family law case can be one of the most stressful times in your life.  The continued stress, anxiety, anger, etc. during your family law case (and after its conclusion can have a huge emotional toll on you. You need to have a good support system of friends and family. Moreover, there should be no shame surrounding receiving help through therapy or support groups. You will need and appreciate the emotional and practical assistance these different people can provide during a challenging family law case.

6. Litigation is the Worst. All the truths contained above lead to this reality that many family law attorneys will not tell you: Litigation is the worst way to proceed in a family law case. Litigation can be a challenging, extremely stressful, and a resource-intensive process. The only people who really benefit from a traditional litigation model are the attorneys. The alternatives to litigation, such as the Collaborative model, uncontested model, or pre-suit mediation, offer real advantages over the traditional litigation model. The Collaborative model, specifically, prioritizes cooperation, transparency, privacy, and allows individuals to come up with agreements that are mutually beneficial and best for their particular family – often crafting agreements that courts cannot (due to those constraints of the law). Lastly, this alternative is superior to the traditional litigation model because the Collaborative model helps preserve relationships between the parties.

Appreciating these realities provides a deeper understanding of the inner workings of the legal process, potential hazards, and better approaches to family law cases.  Hopefully, supplied with these insights, you will be well-equipped to navigate your personal family law case.  Artemis Family Law Group would also be prepared to assist you in any family law matter.  Please click here to schedule a consultation.

The financial support of children by their parents is a central issue in Florida family law.  For the  State of Florida, the principle behind child support consists of parents having a duty to provide support for their children.  This duty ensures their children’s financial needs are met, and also, ensures these financial needs do not become the responsibility of the State. In some cases, parents will duke it out over the child support guidelines calculations — some concerned that they might have to pay “too much;” some concerned they will receive “too little;” and many, concerned the other parent is misrepresenting facts to manipulate the child support calculations in their favor.

Basis for child support calculations in Florida.  The relevant law regarding child support and child support calculations is §61.30, Florida Statutes.  This statute establishes the guidelines on which child support is calculated.  The guidelines take into consideration various factors in determining what amount of support each parent will contribute given their circumstances.  These factors include the income of both parents; the number of children; the cost of health insurance for the children; the cost of day care for the children; and the number of overnights each parent has with the children.

Income Determination.  The main factor in calculating child support is the monthly gross income of both parties.  Gross income is income before taxes and other allowed deductions are subtracted. The statute gives 14 items that would be included in determining income.  The items that are frequently at issue are discussed further below:

1. Salary or wages. Calculating income for a parent that works a straightforward W2 job is fairly uncomplicated. In instances where the parent works a job with varied hours, such as  nurses, firefighters, police officers, etc., it becomes less simple.  However, the proper method to calculate income in these instances is to annualize the parent’s income based on the year-to-date gross pay on their most recent paystub.
2. Bonuses, commissions, allowances, overtime, tips, etc. The argument heard frequently about bonuses, commissions, overtime, etc. is that these things are “not guaranteed” so they should not be included when determining gross income. However, these things are specifically identified in the statute as being part of gross income.  Just as in determining salary with varied hours, bonuses, overtime, tips, etc. should be annualized based on the total year-to-date of these things on the parent’s most recent paystub.
3. Business income from self-employment, partnership, close corporations, and independent contractors. Determining a parent’s gross income from business income is another area that frequently causes issues.  Business income is defined as the gross receipts of the business minus the ordinary and necessary expenses needed to generate the income.  Seems simple enough; however, some parents will purposely run their business in ways to give the appearance of having a low income.

Deductions.  Once the parent’s gross income is calculated, certain allowable deductions are then subtracted from it, resulting in the parent’s net income.  These allowable deductions include things such as federal, state, and local income tax; mandatory union dues; mandatory retirement; and health insurance costs for the parent and not including the children at issue.

Imputation of Income.  Routinely, one parent believes that in order to get out of paying child support, the other parent will simply quit their job . Or one parent does, in fact, quit their job, believing that they have outsmarted everyone by doing so and they will not have to pay child support.  This is absolutely not the case.  In these cases, the court can consider factors such as work history, education, qualifications, and the normal earning levels in the area to determine that parent’s potential and likely earnings.  Imputation of income can also be used in cases where a parent quits their job to work at a lower paying one or where they refuse to provide any financial information.  Unless a parent has been deemed 100% disabled, the position of the court is, at minimum, they could be employed earning the current minimum wage in Florida.

Number of Children and Amount of Time-Sharing.  The number of children that parents have together and subject to the child support the parents are attempting to establish is a factor to be considered in the calculation of child support.  As might be expected, the more children you have, the higher your child support would be.  Further, the amount of time-sharing each parent has with the children affects the child support calculation.  The child support figure is adjusted when the child spends a “substantial” amount of time with each parent.  It is important to note that a “substantial” amount of time means that a child spends at least 20% of overnights (73 overnights in a year) with each parent. Moreover, as indicated, it is the overnights that are  significant.  Thus, for example, it does not matter if your child spends 8 hours every Saturday with you, but at night sleeps at the other parent’s home. Those 8 hours or various other hours during the day would not be added up and counted as “your time.” In this example, Saturdays would be counted as the other parent’s overnight.

Medical Insurance and Childcare Costs.  The costs of medical insurance (including vision and dental insurance) for the child and costs for childcare that are necessary due to a parent working are added to the calculation of child support.  The parent who actually pays for the medical insurance or the childcare essentially receives a credit for these payments in the calculation and both parents then pay a percentage toward them based on their respective incomes.  As a sidenote, because childcare costs may change dramatically (for instance, when a child is in daycare and subsequently, enters kindergarten, no longer needing daycare), it is beneficial to leave childcare costs outside of the actual child support calculation and instead, the parents pay this expense separately on the same percentage basis of their respective incomes.

Deviations from the Child Support Calculations. Lastly, the court has the power to deviate from the child support calculations for the 11 reasons found in the statute.  This includes the catch-all, “any other adjustment that is needed to achieve an equitable result.”

Calculation of Child Support Obligation.  Once the parents’ net incomes are determined, these net incomes are added together and, along with the number of children, are used to determine the basic child support obligation by applying the guidelines schedule found in §61.30, Florida Statutes.  Adjustments are then made to the basic child support obligation by considering the amount of time-sharing, medical insurance and childcare costs, and any other appropriate deviations.

In summary, the factors used to calculate child support in Florida are the incomes of both parents, number of children, time-sharing, and other factors such as payment of medical insurance and childcare costs.  Establishing and calculating child support can be complicated; however, it is important to have an understanding of the basics of how child support is determined. It is always advisable to consult with an experienced family law attorney to ensure that your child support order is accurate, considers the specifics of your case, and protects the best interests of your child.  If you would like to discuss child support further, please click here to schedule a consultation.

Navigating the world of Florida family law can be a surreal, intimidating, and emotional experience.  Even if you have a practiced attorney on your side to help you through the legal intricacies of time-sharing, equitable distribution, alimony, child support, etc. there are often very important truths that go unspoken.  These important but unexpressed realities are concepts that individuals involved in a family law case should be familiar with and are also points that their attorneys should explicitly express to their clients, but often, fail to do so.

1. Time-lines and Delays. For many individuals, the family law case they are a party to is their first instance of being involved in the legal system.  Many think that their case should proceed swiftly and assume, for example, they will be divorced within six months or less.  In reality, there are many different factors that can affect the time that it takes to completely resolve a case.  These different factors include the type of case it is (i.e., uncontested, contested, or Collaborative); the main issues in the case; the court’s availability for hearings or trials (this is different for each judge and county); the availability of both attorneys for each party; the availability of the parties; or even how well the attorneys for each party get along with each other.  You should be prepared for the potential delays and understand that your case may take longer than expected to reach a resolution.

2. Things Out of Your Control.   That leads us to the second thing family law clients should grasp fully:  There are numerous things that can affect your case over which you have absolutely no control.  Family law cases can involve many people.  There is you, the other party, your attorney, the other party’s attorney, the judge, perhaps even other people like a mediator, parent coordinator, guardian ad litem, etc.  All these personalities, and how they interact, must be taken into consideration.  You, definitely, and to a very real extent, the other people involved in the case, will not be able to control how the other party behaves.  The other party may be exceedingly difficult, hostile, or uncooperative, and your case may not be moving forward in the way you believe it should be due to these reasons.  However,  understanding that these may be the very reasons which have brought you to the current case, understanding that your attorney is attempting to solve problems within those parameters, and understanding that neither you nor your attorney can totally control the other party’s behavior will lead to a great deal less stress during your case.

3. “Tit-for-Tat” Behaviors (Parties and Attorney). Frequently, one party in a family law case will do something objectionable or even reprehensible, such as, make derogatory comments about the other parent to the children.  In response, that parent will engage in tit-for-tat behavior and since the other person did it (and did it first), feel that they should do a similar action as well.  Unacceptable behavior from anyone will be looked poorly upon by everyone involved. This includes the children, the attorneys, guardian ad litem, and most importantly, the court.  It may be frustrating but you do not and should not “get down in the dirt” when instances like the example above occur.  Doing so will only hurt your credibility, and your case, in the eyes of the court.  Further, the same thing holds true for your attorney: If the other party’s attorney engages in overly aggressive or unnecessary actions, please do not expect your attorney to engage in the same behavior or practice.  Judges absolutely talk with each other and are familiar with the “problem” attorneys.  If your attorney decided to unnecessarily “fight fire with fire,” the attorney’s reputation is on the line, it can affect your case negatively, and perhaps, more importantly to you, engaging in “tit-for-tat” behavior increases your legal fees.

4. Financial Realities. That leads us to another thing of which individuals involved in a family law matter should be aware: You should have a very clear understanding of the potential financial implications of a family law case, and what can affect the amount of your legal fees.  The total amount of your legal fees is first, frequently unknown, and second, affected by things out of your control (see #2 above).  We realize it must be aggravating when, in response, to your questions about how much the case will cost you in total, your attorney responds with the completely maddening, “lawyer” answer, “It depends.”  However, it does depend.  It can depend on whether the case is uncontested, contested, or Collaborative; how well the attorneys get along; if the other attorney is especially aggressive and litigious; etc.  At best, your attorney will be able to provide an estimate as the case unfolds, and all the factors are considered (some of those factors being out of your and your attorney’s control).  If your case goes to trial, that trial fee is in addition to attorney’s fees you have already paid, and it can become very expensive.

5. Your Day in Court is Not Going to Be Epic. This leads us to the truth about trials: Many people involved in a family law case believe that the only way their case will be resolved is before a judge. They imagine, for example, their divorce trial will be their day in court to tell their story to the judge who will then rightfully see how they have been wronged by the other person. Just like in the movies, justice will prevail, and it will be epic.  However, the very unspectacular reality is that the majority of family law cases are settled; only a small percentage go to trial.  Further, what many people need to realize is that usually, going to trial is not in their best interests.  There is rarely a “slam dunk” case and a “winner.”  A judge wholly unaware of you, your life, your children’s lives, etc. will listen for two hours, four hours, eight hours, two days, etc. to your attorneys, your testimony, the other party’s testimony, and perhaps, the testimony of other witnesses.  After the completion of those hours or days, the judge will make decisions affecting your future and the future of your children.  Simply, going to trial is one of the ultimate gambles of your life and one which despite the facts or law being on your side or the attorney you have, is really out of your control.

6. You Do Not Want An “Aggressive,” “Bull-Dog” Attorney. Tying in with all of the other truths above is this:  What many people involved in family law cases are unaware of is that the skilled family law attorneys are rarely in court.  A skilled, experienced family law attorney acts as a problem-solver to craft settlements in mediation or through the Collaborative process that will be acceptable and beneficial to you, allows you to have some part in shaping your future, and keeps you out of the ultimate gamble of trial. Of course, this is not universal in all cases.  Advocating for you and going to trial where necessary is something that a skilled, experienced family law attorney does as well.  However, it is usually the attorneys that only want to make money off of your case that know the way to do so is to be unreasonable, not accept or give reasonable or rational settlement offers, and take everything to trial.

It is important to note that not all family law attorneys withhold these truths purposely (or at all), act unreasonably, or are the “problem” attorney.  The Artemis Approach believes that clear, realistic, and truthful communication is essential to ensure clients can make informed decisions during what can be a stressful and emotional process.  If you have questions regarding a family matter, we would be happy to discuss them further with you.  Please schedule a consultation today.